Ben and Jerry’s just announced their new “core” collection of ice creams with a column of fudge/caramel/jam running down the center. You won’t have to dig around for the best parts anymore, the Huffington Post explains, because the core structure means you’ll always have access to the best parts. At the Date Report, we were excited. This will improve all relationships, we thought! This will revolutionize the post-coital snack game! The binging-on-ice-cream-in-front-of-the-television game! The breakup game! And then we realized: Ben and Jerry’s is an essential component of every stage of a relationship. Whatever’s happening in your life, Ben and Jerry’ve got a flavor for that:
I Am Definitely Going to Meet Someone This Weekend Ice Cream
Vanilla Honey Caramel
It’s light and breezy and practically a health food — it’s yogurt — and who wouldn’t want to date you? No one, you think, tossing your hair confidently in your sun-drenched kitchen. No one wouldn’t want to date you.
Someone Just Asked Me Out And I Am Gloating Alone In My Underwear Now Ice Cream
Cake is for celebrating. You have something to celebrate now, so you get cake.
I Am Currently On A First Date And We Are Eating Ice Cream Ice Cream
Chocolate Chip Cookie Dough
You’re playing it safe. You’re on your tip toes. You’re grabbing for childhood nostalgia. Cookie dough is tentative hand-holding and almost-kisses and realizing you both grew up with family dogs named Ruffles. Also, no one but a monster is going to criticize you for choosing cookie dough.
I Just Got Home From A First Date And It Was The Worst Ice Cream
Everything But The…
That date was terrible. You know what is not terrible? This ice cream. Think about the Heath Bar bites. Think about the chocolate covered almonds. And white chocolate chunks. And the peanut butter cups. Think about everything other than the fact that you just spent two hours of your life you’ll never get back listening to some guy explain the ins and outs of your own job, you know, the one in an industry he has never personally worked in.
I Just Got Home From A First Date And It Was The Best
Success! Success deserves decadence! Decadence is Cheesecake Brownie. Cheesecake Brownie is the epitome of decadence.
We Just Had Sex For The First Time Ice Cream
Classic. Refreshing. Cherries.
We’ve Been Together for 10 Months and It’s Going Well, Right? I Think It’s Going Well Ice Cream
It’s been almost a year. You’re in love, or you think you might be. Phish Food is for the Netflix stage, the possible drug-experimentation phase, the we-don’t-necessarily-shower-before-seeing-each-other-every-time-anymore halcyon days of almost-seriousness.
We Just Had Sex For The 134th Time Ice Cream
Greek Blueberry Vanilla Graham
You guys are starting to build a life together now, an adult life, a life that involves smart, mature choices. Smart mature choices, like buying frozen yogurt (with fruit!) instead of ice cream.
We Just Moved In Together Ice Cream
What A Cluster
You know what else is a cluster? Moving. That was awful. But it’s finally over, and now you get to reward yourself by sitting among your boxes, eating your peanut swirls right out of the carton. You two earned it. Also, you two haven’t unpacked your bowls yet.
At This Very Moment We Are Having A Huge Fight While Eating Ice Cream Ice Cream
Take solace where you can find it, which is in your freezer.
The Fight Is Over Now So Let’s Eat Ice Cream Ice Cream
Imagine Whirled Peace
You weren’t okay, but now you are okay, and that’s worth something. Caramel can coexist with sweet cream. You can coexist with someone who forgets to hang up her towel every. single. morning.
I Just Broke Up and I Feel Terrible Ice Cream
Salty (like your tears) and sweet (like your memories), Karamel Sutra is made for eating in a single sitting. And that is exactly what you’re going to do, and goddamn it you are going to enjoy it.
I Just Broke Up and I Am Totally Fine Please Stop Asking Ice Cream
Chocolate Fudge Brownie
You’re okay. It was time. They’re okay, too. Everyone is okay. It’s sad, yes, but mostly, it’s an excuse to eat Chocolate Fudge Brownie ice cream. Everyone says that’s what you’re supposed to be doing, so you might as well dig in.
I Am Single And I Do What I Want Ice Cream
Coffee Caramel Buzz
Last night was super fun and yes, maybe you got drunk and left your phone in the cab, but you know what? That Swedish pop dance party was totally worth it. You don’t care and you love it. Coffee and whisky, that’s your thing now, and you deserve it.
No Seriously This Time I Am Going To Meet Someone This Weekend
Vanilla Honey Caramel
…It’s light and breezy and practically a health food — it’s yogurt — and who wouldn’t want to date you…